Wednesday, April 11, 2007
Teachers’ TV have secured an exclusive interview. Their intrepid reporter Trevor McDonut has talked to one of his former pupils, freed ship’s navigator Arthur Bumbly. His tale of psychological torture, starvation, dehydration and forced physical exertion will shock the nation.
McDonut is confronted by an over weight, pasty-faced youth with spots and a bad skin.
McDonut: How did you get captured?
Bumbly: The sat nav broke down and we didn’t have clue where we were.
McDonut: Didn’t you have a map?
Bumbly: What’s one of those?
(McDonut is thought to have taught Bumbly Geography for five years)
McDonut: Some people have criticised you for surrendering so easily.
Bumbly: Those Irinains had guns… we’re used to stopping defenceless people in sailing boats. We weren’t trained for that.
McDonut: After you were captured did you get any food?
Bumbly: It was horrific all they gave us was fruit and then… vegetables. I was gagging for a Big Mac and chips. After a day or two I couldn’t cope…
McDonut: Did you get…?
Bumbly: All we got was water, I couldn’t think straight without Coca-Cola or a thick milk shake. It was a living hell!
McDonut: Were you cold at night?
Bumbly: We had blankets but it was still cold I kept asking for…
McDonut: More blankets?
Bumbly: No, I wanted a hot water bottle and a nice hot cup of Ovaltine, but the guards just kept laughing.
McDonut: What else did the guards do?
Bumbly: They… called me… Mr… Blobby! (Wipes tear away)
McDonut: Were you bored?
Bumbly: We had nothing to do, I asked them for a Playstation 3 or Sky but the guards fell about laughing. Eventually they made us play… chess.
Bumbly: It was really difficult, after ten minutes my brain was dead.
McDonut: Did you get any exercise?
Bumbly: They let us out into this big yard and said we could WALK! After five minutes I was knackered and had to sit down for a smoke.
McDonut: Were you lonely?
Bumbly: At night I was on my own and really missed Mr. Biggles.
McDonut: Mr. Biggles?
Bumbly: He’s my teddy bear he goes everywhere.
(Draws arm across nose and wipes snot away)
McDonut: Some hostages wrote grovelling apology letters.
Bumbly: I couldn’t copy it down from the board in time. I did offer to text Tony Blair.
McDonut sighs and writes out cheque for £50,000 and pins gallantry medal onto Bumbly’s chest. The national anthem is playing in the background.